The Psychological Stages of Becoming a Gardener
Planting a shrub or two doesn’t make us a true gardener. Becoming a gardener takes time, and we pass through several psychological stages during this journey. While we may deny some of these stages, we have all passed through them or will at some point. Like stomach gas, and gray hair, it is unavoidable.
Drowning in Information but Starved for Knowledge– Our interest in gardening piqued we start browsing gardening magazines, watching videos, and talking to our friends who garden. Everyone has an opinion on what soil to use, how and when to plant, what the best plants are, and what tools you need. The next thing we know our heads are spinning and we don’t know where to begin.
OCD/Anxiety-We finally get our hand dirty and get some plants in the ground. The second guessing begins. Did we choose the right plants? Did we plant properly? Is the spacing correct? This is by far the worst stage to pass through. It starts with overly examining every plant at the nursery searching for its flaw. Finally after hours of choosing, we fret in our garden setting the plants out, standing back to look, moving them ever so slightly, then stepping back, and moving them ever so slightly again, This can go on until you happen to notice the neighbors gathering and whispering while they point at you. You finally plant them then spend the next three days second guessing your work. It’s pure hell.
Shop alcoholic– Oh now the bug has hit and everything else falls by the wayside. Dishes, laundry and bills pile up as we shop, then plants, shop, then plant, shop then plant… . It finally ends when winter comes along or our bank account runs dry. There are no meeting or support groups, we have to tough this one out on our own.
The Hoarder- Now that we have a couple gardening seasons under our belt, and the shopping has become routine, we look at every plant as an abandoned puppy that needs a home. Our driveway is full of plants we purchased but have no clue where to plant. This stage usually ends with an angry spouse vengefully driving over our entire stash repeatedly with the car. (This is also NOT the time to call a landscape designer to help you find homes for everything. I didn’t say that out loud did I?)
Social Awkwardness-At this point in our gardening journey things have gone from still socially tolerable behavior to now we can’t even communicate with other people unless the conversation involves gardening. Our minds can’t register non-gardening words. We start ignoring long time friends, spouses, and coworkers. Even the cat has given up on us petting her. This is actually a tough place to be. Sometimes it’s like we are outside our bodies and we see ourselves staring glass-eyed while people try talking to us, and it frightens us. But we quickly dive back into our bodies, and the solitude and thoughts of our plants soothes our anxiety, and we are at peace with ourselves once again.
Om my god what have I created– This one hits us like a ton of bricks, or should we say a shovel to the face? We look out one day at our vast garden that has now crept into the neighbor’s yard and realize we have created a monster that can no longer be fed or managed. A sombering moment indeed. At this point there is nothing we can do but wait it out until the next stage comes. If you are currently here, don’t despair the next stage will come, trust me.
Inner calm-This final stage of the journey to become a gardener is powerful, and will result in one of two things happening. Some of us will come to terms with the chaos we created, and enjoy its beauty for what is-it-a complete mess. Others will turn, walk back inside, and let the door shut behind us and take up knitting or auto mechanics and never look at the back yard again.
Where are you in this journey? I would love to hear your story. Eric
OMG! How did you get in my head?? This has been me for so many years especially the ‘buying orphan plants with no where to put them’! I finally kind of ‘gave up’ when we added a 2nd house which is to be our retirement house. I have no garden there and no time to care for the rampant mess that was my garden. I do want to have a small garden when we move that will provide us with food and beautiful flowers! Hope everyone is well and staying safe.
Might I suggest gardening in containers. That’s the problem with a passion or hobby like gardening. it’s not like painting or cooking etc where you create something but then it does not require additional attention. Gardening require a long term commitment that of course adds up as we do more projects. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. haha Eric P.S. Enjoy your retirement.
I have found myself in the ‘oh my God, what have I created stage’. I no longer have any bare ground around my rose bushes, daylilies, rhodadendrums (sp) and other shrubs growing in my flower bed in front of my house. Tiny ‘ground cover’ growing everywhere between planted items, supposedly keeps weeds from growing. Looks very different from when I first planted the area years ago.
Hey Mom, it’s probably best to let that door shut behind you and consider taking up painting because we don’t live close enough to be much help with the garden. Eric
Well done! I’m heading into the OMG, what have I done stage as I presented an a idea for a Community Garden at our church and received approval. Next comes the hard part, gathering volunteers, reaching out to our sponsored Boy Scout troop for labor and completing a list of “to do” lists for Eagle Scout candidates, soliciting donations of fencing, drip irrigation, and volunteers to grow seedlings, etc. Doing this with a ZERO budget is taking a lot of effort! I got free seed from Alpharetta’s Environmental Program Dept. Yay!
Dianna, I have seen your yard/gardens, and I doubt you will ever set your gardening tools aside. It’s no wonder you have taken on all these other projects as there is probably no room left in your yard. Eric
I agree with all you stages but would add a few. Firmly stuck in the Shopaholic/Hoarder stage, I had to move away from my work/yard several times. To make myself feel better, I would think about how I had improved the current yard! and look forward to the next challenge. Called Reprieve Stage. I have lived in my current house 25 years so, as you may guess, I am trying for Inner calm. I want to enjoy and take care of my ‘mess’ but my aging body is fighting me. I call this Resignation Stage. Keep your great stories coming, Eric!
Too funny! At the nursery we are enablers, especially when it comes to the Orphan Plant Sale. Eric
A one time journey is not enough for some of us. Some of us repeat it again and again.
As a new home owner, I could not get enough of garden magazines and garden books ( this was before anyone had a computer) , then there was the time that I bought my first tree, a Red Maple. I moved this tree at least 3 times before finding the home I thought was perfect for it. This tree rewarded me the other day when I drove by our old house, 50 years later, and it was twice as tall as the house and a bright orange.
I will always be a hoarder (but I do share) I worked at the same garden center for 30 years and my husband said that I was like an alcoholic working in a liquor store. Some folks Bar Hop, I Nursery Hop. I have lots of plants to show for it.
I must say that I have been very fortunate to meet so many wonderful folks who were also gardeners. Many of these, I would not have made friends with, otherwise. However, ” my cat does garden with me”
I have created many disasters that were very discouraging (like planting 5 Leaf Akebia, on a fence behind a row of Hollies.) I go out almost daily to pull this awful weed. I think that I might have some “I hate 5 Leaf Akebia) shirts made and march around the nursery.LOL
After all the time and money and frustration that this crazy hobby has caused me, I pray that I will never have to give up my gardening passion. I have given instructions to my kids that when I die, they are to have me cremated and put me in a bag of potting soil and give me away at my funeral. Happy Gardening
Passion or addiction? Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between the two . Love your story! Eric
I like a definition I saw once: “A weed is a plant growing in the wrong place.” That simplifies everything and gives me peace of mind.
Of course with that definition in mind a plant can change from weed to not a weed on any given day depending on our mood or goals. Eric